So I offer up some sage advice from purveyors of the potent potable, the loudmouths of liquor, the bishops of booze, the demaigogues of all that is drunken debauchery, Modern Drunkard Magazine:
The Drunkard’s Guide to Sin City
A couple I know recently approached me on the eve of their first trip
to Las Vegas, looking for advice. They’d heard I was born and raised there and
figured I might know some inside angles.
And indeed I do. I spent a drunken half hour alternatively tantalizing and terrorizing them about their choice of vacation spots. A little wisdom did manage to did slip through, however, which I present here in case you are considering a foray into Sin City.
You want to arrive with the idea you’re going to win a great deal of money. It doesn’t matter how little money you arrive with, or how many painful lessons you have absorbed in the past, this time it will be different. Never set a limit as to
how much you’re willing to lose. That is plainly a defeatist attitude and will
jinx you from the start. You should, however, set a limit as to how much you are
willing to win. For most this means every chip in the house, and perhaps the
deed to the casino.
If you gamble, you get free drinks. It’s a helluva a
deal, and if you possess even an average amount of luck the drinks will only end
up costing you about 40 bucks apiece. The climate is very hot and dry, so
remember to stay hydrated by drinking a lot of fluids. Triple Wild Turkeys do
not count, unless you ask for a lot of ice. Sadly, the level of customer care
has steadily declined since the casinos were taken over by soulless
corporations. It is customary to meet every instance of McDonald’s-style service
by muttering, “At least the Mob knew how to treat their goddamn
The fact that you can drink 24 hours a day can have an unsettling
effect on some visitors. Realize you will have to be your own bouncer and should
cut yourself off after the bartender’s face has changed three times.
Some people seem to think that tipping the dealer is akin to French-kissing a mugger, but this is not true. It is akin to merely kissing the mugger’s hand.
It’s a psychological fact that money won on games of chance doesn’t seem like “real” money, which can encourage you to squander your winnings. So whenever you get a little ahead, turn those chips into cash and force yourself to
invest in tangible commodities, such as lap dances and $20 room-service shrimp
If you have a streak of luck, don’t smugly inform your friends
that you’re seriously considering quitting your job and moving to Vegas to give
the gambling profession a go. It will make them want to strangle you in your
sleep or, worse, want to borrow some money.
When you return from your trip it
is traditional to play down your losses and exaggerate you winnings. For
example, if you broke even or actually came out ahead, if only by $20, you
should inform your friends you “raped the bastards” and all the pit bosses
thought you were some kind of “internationally-renowned card shark.” If you lost
all the money you arrived with, you should say you “basically broke even.” If
you lost the money you came with and every cent you could squeeze from your
credit and debit cards, you should say you “lost a little, but more than made up
for it in free drinks.”
Just a friendly reminder that there is life away from the poker tables.